Day 100: Ready for Christmas

It has been 100 days. I am thankful that I am better now than how I was 2-3 months ago. I have a good handle on my emotions (at least I try to) and I try to be more mindful of what is happening in the now and not worry about what can’t hurt me. I am happy with my progress.

I want this post to be positive and joyous since Christmas is coming near, here are pictures of my babies. Merry Christmas everypawdy!

Day 93: An Unexpected Past

Last Monday, something happened that I started feeling down and sad. This was at work, I happened to catch the tail end of the conversation. I expected this event to happen but I was still affected by it. I didn’t let this thought/emotion ruin my whole day but I know it did something to me.

I discussed this with a friend of mine at work. I told her how I expected this to happen but I still got hurt. It’s like my mind and my heart are not agreeing. She said that I probably felt rejected because I wasn’t included. She said that this might have happened a few more times, that now I have a button that can easily be pushed every time something like this happens. She suggested to do some more meditation, find my past self who felt this pain and talk to her, help her feel that she is loved and that everything is going to be OK.

That night, I decided to check all my old journals. I’m pretty sure I wrote something about this feeling of rejection or any sad moments in the past. I also found my notebook filled with poems. I used to write poems when I was in high school until college. Writing was my escape, which still holds true until now. As I was going through my poems, I was surprised to read a poem of mine back in 2001.

Why me? 04012k1 7:00pm

Many problems are haunting me
Name it – studies, friendship, love and family
Sometimes I don’t know what to do
With all of these problems, that make me feel blue.

Sometimes I feel like giving up
From all of these trials that I have
I even think of ending my life
By striking myself with a knife.

I always ask myself, “When will this end?”
And happiness, when will I feel?
Because of this feeling, I am always sad
That I simply wished my life I never had

Ummm..

Most of my poems are about guys and how I got heartbroken. I was sad but I never expected that I wrote something about suicide. It might also be because I can’t think of a word that will rhyme with life except for knife. I didn’t have any clue that I was depressed or suicidal at that time. I knew I was sad, I used my emotions to write, but I don’t think I really wanted to end my life.

Well, this might be what I am looking for. My friend said that it takes awhile to make things better. I will try my best to make peace with my past, so it won’t haunt me and no more buttons pushed.

I also need to write poems again, not so much about sadness anymore.

My First Ever Friendsgiving got canceled

Robert and I got invited to a Friendsgiving by his co-worker this weekend. We were told to bring pumpkin pie and green bean casserole. We found out about this weeks ago and this made me excited.

Sunday came, we bought the pie and ingredients for the green bean casserole. We had lunch afterwards and went home, giving me enough time to make the casserole. We got home and I started prepping. I opened cans of cream of mushroom soup and green beans. Mixed it with soy sauce, milk and black pepper. I then transferred the mixture to an aluminum foil pan. The first batch of green bean casserole is ready. I then pre-heated the oven to 350F and started to prep for another batch of casserole. I first opened the cream of mushroom soup, pulled the tab and that’s when it happened. I felt a sting on my left middle finger and when I looked, I saw it bleeding. My first instinct was to run it with water, so I did. I started to panic. Robert gave me a paper towel, wrapped it around my finger and instructed me to put pressure on it. So I did. The bleeding won’t stop. I almost fainted after hearing what Robert said — “You might need stitches, babe”. What happened next was a blur. He called a nearby clinic and we were on our way within the next 10 minutes.

We got to the clinic, got a room and the doctor saw me. He said that it needs a single stitch. As the nurse prepped, Robert kept saying that I will be fine. I know I will be but stitches?! I never thought that I’ll get stitches. After 15 minutes, the doctor came back and gave me a numbing shot. I can’t dare look. My finger got numb right away and then he started stitching. I looked at Robert the whole time. He, on the other hand, kept his eye on the stitching. My finger started bleeding again, so we had to put a bandage to make it stop. The doctor said I need to have the stitch covered and I can’t have my hand wet. I have to come back after 2 days, have the doctor do a follow-up. My stitches will be removed after a week.

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Robert decided to skip the Friendsgiving dinner so I can relax. Bummer. Oh well. Now I have a huge bandage that I can’t really hide. I have to go to work tomorrow too. This is going to be interesting.

Day 77/78 – Back to normal-ish

I love planners and since 2017 is almost over, my annual quest for the best planner is on. I’ve tried bullet journaling a little over a year ago, but after a week, I went back to my normal planner. I didn’t know what to do with it then and lists, instead of writing paragraphs, didn’t appeal much to me.

That’s why, in my search for the 2018 planner, I bought a bullet journal from Barnes and Noble. Yup, it doesn’t make sense, lol. After watching Youtube videos and reading blogs about bullet journals, it decided to give it another try. I want to customize my planner for next year, that it can hold a little bit of both — lists and long emotional entries. My sister went to a planner party months ago and she gave me her swag bag from the event — stickers for days!

Last night, I started creating my 2018 planner. I finished January and my plan is to work on one month every night. I like the freedom that I have with regards to designing my planner. Makes me happy, knowing that I created my own planner. This activity makes me busy too, so I don’t have to think about anything else.

A few days ago, I told Robert that I feel like I am my normal self again. I am still taking my anti-depressant and anxiety medications, which I think helps a lot. I don’t feel anxious going to work anymore. Without realizing it, I also stopped talking about work/co-workers and how it makes me sad/mad/upset. I like it. I know this is supposed to be how I should feel everyday but that wasn’t the case. It is amazing how the things/feelings we take for granted are usually the ones that truly  makes us happy.

I am happy of my progress, one day at a time. I know the episodes might come back but I am going to focus and look forward to days like these. 🙂

Day 72: Routine

My morning routine consists of taking the dogs out, taking my medicine and talking to Robert about our plans for the day. I don’t eat breakfast, so after I let the dogs in, I start getting ready for work. There are some days that I would break this routine, especially if I am running late. One important thing that I can’t forget is to take my medicine.

I woke up today, around the same time and took the dogs out. I got our milk out of the fridge, poured it into my glass and opened my pill bottle, then I started talking to Robert who is making his coffee. I drank from my cup and put it down on the counter. I see my pill bottle open but I don’t remember taking my medicine. I looked at Robert and he said don’t take another pill, wait for tomorrow.

Oops.

This is the first time I’ve ever missed(?) a dose. I don’t know what to expect so I read forums and articles online. Robert didn’t seem worried about it but I just want to make sure that I know what to expect. After reading a few articles, looks like I won’t feel anything change if I missed a dose. My medicine should be in my body for the next 36 hours, so if I take my dose tomorrow, I should be good. Whew.

I know I don’t have to worry about anything right now, but I do start thinking about what would happen once I am off my medications. I’ve read that some people have had withdrawal symptoms after a few days of being off their pills. They would have episodes but it will eventually go away. I’ve also read people going back, taking their pills because it was just too hard for them to function. I know my experience might be different from everybody else but this is making me anxious. My medication ends on January, so I guess I will soon find out. I shouldn’t worry much about it, since it is not happening yet, but man, I can’t help it. It doesn’t help that I missed a dose today. I should stop worrying.

Sigh.

I went to work and I feel fine. As I walk in our building, I realized that I left my phone in my car. Oh and I also almost forget to close our garage door. Maybe I am just being forgetful. Well, I think that deserves another blog post.