I can.

This past year, I was in a bad situation at work. I’ve been told that I am not capable of being a leader and because of this, I turned down a possible promotion and I was left feeling inadequate and slow when it comes to grasping work information. I was made fun of when I admitted not knowing a certain topic and shamed for not knowing a simple concept that everybody, apparently, should know. I don’t like conflict, I stay away from them if I can. I brushed off and ignore what was thrown at me. I go to work, do my best and then go home, either crying or in a bad mood.

It was like a switch was turned on. One day, I’m my old self – chatty and full of gusto to learn. Next day, I didn’t want to go to work, I was crying and feeling anxious. I hated myself for feeling this way. It is just work, I have to be professional. I know this, but my heart and mind are not happy.

After talking to several people, I’ve learned that I have depression and anxiety. And that I am being bullied. They are not hurting me physically, but they are affecting my mental health. I was so happy that I got chosen to be the interim lead but that happiness quickly turned to regret and having all these questions why I took the position. I got scared of what they will do. I felt powerless, I doubted my lead and myself. I’ve let them win. I was crippled by what others think about me that I forgot of what I am capable of doing. Words, it only took words, for me to feel this way.

Over the past year, I’ve tried to take control back. Control over myself, especially my thoughts. It was a rough year but I did my best. There are days that anxiety and panic attacks took over and I would stay at home, crying or trying to calm myself down. But there are days that I felt like a winner – because I showed up and I got through the day without a single bad thought coming to mind.

We got our performance review today and I received a good review. When I saw my paperwork, I wanted to cry. I was worried that because of what I’ve been going through, it’ll affect my job. I was so relieved that it didn’t. I did whatever task assigned to me, asked questions when I needed to and avoided the negativity and silent hostility thrown towards me. It is not easy, there were days when I wanted to quit and look for another job.

I am going to celebrate this win. It is such a big deal for me. This made me think that I may be anxious and have depression, but this doesn’t make me a lesser person. I can do anything that I put my mind into. I am able to accomplish anything my heart desires. I can.

I can and I will.

Day 189: Last Day

Do you believe in signs? Well, I do.

I’ve pre-cut my pills in half, not really knowing how many I need. I figured I’ll cut some and then if I need more, then I’ll cut some more. I grabbed my medicine bottle this morning, poured it out, looked for a pill that was cut in half and I found one.

This morning, I took my last ½ dose of Lexapro.

If this is not sign enough, then I don’t know. I’m pretty sure it was pure coincidence but signs make it a little more special, don’t you think?

I’ve kept track of when I took my medicine and the dosage. I wrote everything in my journal and because today is a special day, here’s the summary:

  • 140 days taking Lexapro
  • 3 weeks of taking ½ dose
  • 2 weeks of taking ½ dose every other day
  • 2 weeks of taking ½ dose twice a week

Since I was diagnosed with depression, I knew that taking medication is not a long term plan. While taking my medication, I’ve been doing other things to help me understand what I’ve been going through. From August of last year to today, I am still learning something new about myself. I still have some episodes, but I try to be mindful, which is easier said than done. I wrote a lot about this experience and started reading blogs of strong individuals who are going through the same issues that I am. It helped me understand my situation.

My main motivation to stop taking anti-depressants is our plan to have kids in the future. It would be awesome if it happens this year but I won’t worry too much about it. I will continue working on myself, so when that time comes that I become a mom, I am able to take care of our little one.

Baby steps. I am still scared of relapsing but I know that I have a good support group. I have my husband, who is very much supportive of everything that I do. I am also relearning that prayer does go a long way.

This might be the last day I’m taking my medicine, but I’m still a work in progress. Finding and knowing myself more, is a continuous endeavor. I may or may not like what I find out about myself, that’s OK. I’m pretty sure, I’ll be fine.

And to you, reading this post, know that you are loved and keep on fighting. 🙂

They Finally Got Along during Feeding Time

Getting June last year was the best thing that we ever did. Being a puppy (she’s a year old), she is very playful and gets jealous when we give our other dogs attention. She loves cuddles and although she’s a big Labrador, she acts likes she’s a tiny dog, jumping on top of us, with no regards about our personal space. Our house is her playground and she loves it.

Getting a new dog has it’s disadvantages as well. Three different personalities, forced to co-exist with one another. Robert got Allie when she was 4 years old. She’s an angel.  She doesn’t bark, doesn’t act up. She’s pretty much chill. Then he got Carlie when she was 6 weeks old. Since we got her while she’s a puppy, Carlie and Allie began a mother-daughter relationship. They shared everything – cage, food and water bowl. They would sleep next to each other. Carlie was the perfect opposite of Allie and they complimented each other.

This dynamic changed when we got June.

June is a little more like Carlie, very playful, barks ALL THE TIME, but she follows Allie’s lead as well. I guess Allie just gives that relaxing vibe that all of our dogs got. But since they are still animals, they would fight about everything — and the problem that we’ve had since Day 1 is feeding time.

Before June, we would just leave food out for Allie and Carlie to eat. There’s no set feed time for them. They eat whenever they get hungry. Once we got June, I’ve imposed feeding time – one in the morning and one at night. Unlike Allie and Carlie, June would eat any food that’s in front of her. So if we leave a bowl out, she’ll finish it all. We didn’t want her to overeat, so I had to put up the bowls until feeding time. Then I noticed that June will get aggressive towards the other dogs when she eats. So I would leave her in her cage to eat and the other dogs will eat their food, where June can’t see them.

Once the other dogs are done eating, I will put their bowls up and let June out. This way June won’t eat the leftover food.

This has been our setup, until this morning.

This made me happy. Our dogs are eating together, in peace. They each have their own bowl, no fighting over food, no barking. I was about to leave for work but, since I am overly cautious, I decided to wait until they are done so I can put up their bowls and to make sure that nobody fought. I was surprised on how behaved our dogs are.

It took us 6 months before this happened. Baby steps. I don’t know if we can go back to leaving food out all day, but this is definitely a big change. Dog mom is happy. 🙂

PS. I am sharing this picture of Carlie because I love it. ❤


Day 180: I Showed Up!


Friday afternoon, I found out that our team lead is out next week. I remained calm but deep inside, I felt anxious that I will be left alone with my co-workers. But after a few minutes, I decided not to worry about it too much. It’s Friday, I have the weekend to look forward to. I’ll deal with the situation next week.

The weekend came and went. I did have a good weekend but I think I ate something bad that my stomach decided to rebel against me. Sunday night, while watching the closing ceremony, my tummy still hurting, my anxiety resurfaced. There’s no turning back, it’s either I got to work and deal with the situation or call in sick because of my stomach bug. I also thought about coming in late. The meeting is at 10 am, so I can just email everybody that I’ll be in after lunch. But I stopped my thoughts, and decided to deal with my fear. I took Pepto-Bismol and called it a night.

I woke up this morning, no more stomach ache. I got ready and drove to work while giving myself pep talk. I have nothing to be worried about. I know what I am working on. I can talk to them like a professional team member. It was a calm drive to work, while listening to Second Date Update.

I got to work, checked my email and wrote down the items that I have to talk about during our meeting. I am still a bit nervous but having a cheat sheet helped. Just be professional. Show that you respect them.

Meeting ended like a breeze. I am glad that I showed up, ready to face them. Ready to face my fear. I can hear this tiny voice inside my head – “See, you were worried about nothing”. Having anxiety and not able to control it, this is such a big deal for me. I could easily make up an excuse and avoid the whole ordeal but I am glad that I didn’t. I showed up, life.

I feel like a winner.

Image Credits to The Awkward Yeti.

My Life in Pictures: Vol. 2

Saturday: Drove to San Antonio this past weekend to visit family. Robert drove his new car, we knew where we were driving to, but decided to give Apple CarPlay a try. I’m going to be honest, I prefer Google Maps over Apple, but the CarPlay was seamless. He’s got leather seats too and dual air controls. I loved it and I actually felt a little jealous with his new car but I’ve decided to stick with my CR-V.


Had lunch at Culver’s. My brother is now the owner of Culver’s of San Antonio, so we decided to go visit and spend time with my family. So proud of what my brother accomplished. 🙂


I was Mamu for the day. I miss my nieces.

Got my Puma x Hello Kitty t-shirt and shoes. My birthday came early — 9 months early.


Sunday: They were giving away free balloons at HEB. Valentine’s passed but I can’t turn down a free balloon.


My brother moved to Austin for work. He’s been staying with us for almost a month now and yesterday, we went apartment hunting. He did get an apartment and I am so happy for him.

Tiring day. Time for a nap.

I decided to make another batch of french macarons — made Strawberry Cheesecake macarons. I have a lot to learn and I need to clean my oven.