I am happy with my progress. It has been a full month and a few days that I haven’t had an episode of sadness or anxiety. I did felt a little anxious for a few hours 2 Fridays ago but it wasn’t that bad. I still have this small episodes, but they are all manageable.
Today is day 55 of taking medication. I felt fine this morning while getting ready for work but now, at 12:22pm, I am feeling anxious. I think I know what’s causing it. Aside from the people, it’s also the thought of completing my work and not having anything to do afterwards. That’s why I am writing to maybe help me relax and stop worrying.
I started feeling anxious a little before lunch, so I walked over to my co-worker’s office and started chatting with her. That usually helps me stop having thoughts but it didn’t help this time around. I came back to my desk feeling more anxious and not knowing what to do. When Robert asked me if I am having a good day, I lied and said yes.
Today is Robert’s birthday, which is the reason why I lied to him. I want him to have a good day today and not worry about me. He’s been having a fun birthday so far, since his co-workers surprised him with a birthday banner and gift. After work, we are going to dinner with his parents to celebrate him so I have to be ok before then.
I’ve been doing pep-talks to myself. That I should feel happy because it’s my husband’s birthday. I am, don’t get me wrong, but this anxiety is winning over the feeling of gladness and joy. I have to remind myself that these thoughts have no weight on how my day should be going. I am fine, I have a task to work on. I’ll get another task to work on once I am done with this.
Tomorrow is our anniversary and the following day is my birthday. Since last week, I’ve been praying that I have good days at work, without feeling sad or anxious. I just want our birthdays and anniversary to pass without any problems or worries. But I think, based on what I am currently feeling, I might fail.
I don’t want this right now. I don’t need this right now. But it is what it is. I just have to be mindful of what I am currently feeling, acknowledge it and let it go. The letting go part is where I am having troubles with.