Day 93: An Unexpected Past

Last Monday, something happened that I started feeling down and sad. This was at work, I happened to catch the tail end of the conversation. I expected this event to happen but I was still affected by it. I didn’t let this thought/emotion ruin my whole day but I know it did something to me.

I discussed this with a friend of mine at work. I told her how I expected this to happen but I still got hurt. It’s like my mind and my heart are not agreeing. She said that I probably felt rejected because I wasn’t included. She said that this might have happened a few more times, that now I have a button that can easily be pushed every time something like this happens. She suggested to do some more meditation, find my past self who felt this pain and talk to her, help her feel that she is loved and that everything is going to be OK.

That night, I decided to check all my old journals. I’m pretty sure I wrote something about this feeling of rejection or any sad moments in the past. I also found my notebook filled with poems. I used to write poems when I was in high school until college. Writing was my escape, which still holds true until now. As I was going through my poems, I was surprised to read a poem of mine back in 2001.

Why me? 04012k1 7:00pm

Many problems are haunting me
Name it – studies, friendship, love and family
Sometimes I don’t know what to do
With all of these problems, that make me feel blue.

Sometimes I feel like giving up
From all of these trials that I have
I even think of ending my life
By striking myself with a knife.

I always ask myself, “When will this end?”
And happiness, when will I feel?
Because of this feeling, I am always sad
That I simply wished my life I never had

Ummm..

Most of my poems are about guys and how I got heartbroken. I was sad but I never expected that I wrote something about suicide. It might also be because I can’t think of a word that will rhyme with life except for knife. I didn’t have any clue that I was depressed or suicidal at that time. I knew I was sad, I used my emotions to write, but I don’t think I really wanted to end my life.

Well, this might be what I am looking for. My friend said that it takes awhile to make things better. I will try my best to make peace with my past, so it won’t haunt me and no more buttons pushed.

I also need to write poems again, not so much about sadness anymore.