Day 112:

I can’t even think of a title for this post.

We have 2 1/2 work days left before the Christmas break and I am already checked out for the year. I don’t feel like working anymore, I’d rather stay at home and sleep. It doesn’t help that it has been gloomy and rainy this past few days – rainy, cuddle weather. It is already December 19th but I don’t feel the Christmas spirit here at work. I am very much into the spirit, I like decorating and giving people candy – I’ve done this every where I’ve worked and my co-workers did the same. But this year is different. Because of my current situation, I don’t want to give out candies to everybody except for those people that I am not talking to. And I do not want to give them anything either, just to make myself happy and fulfilled because I know I am doing it for the wrong reasons.

Yesterday, one of my co-workers asked me if I am going to enter the door decorating contest that we have here at work. I’ve thought about it, but the weekend came and I didn’t have anything prepared to decorate. I showed her my idea and she said that we can go to a craft store over lunch, so I can decorate. She’s going to decorate her door too and was looking for somebody to go with her to the store. So I went. It was very refreshing to finally have somebody that I can talk to about being craftsy and stuff. We spent a good hour, looking for what might work and I was very happy with my purchase. I was excited to decorate my door that I started doing it once we got back the office.

There’s one problem though. The girl I shared an office with is one of the girls that doesn’t like (for some reason). So I knew, going into this, that I will do the decorating by myself. I was totally fine with it. Last year, I shared a room with her and two other folks and I asked if they wanted to help me decorate our door. Long story short, I did all the decorating. I figured this year won’t be as different. I finished decorating yesterday. It made me happy for a bit, that I’ve accomplished something but that eventually faded away. When the girl saw the decorations, she didn’t say anything. How can you not notice a door covered with black paper with a red dot in the middle and words that say “Rudolph in the dark”? I got home, watched tv and when we were about to sleep, Robert asked me if there was anything that bothered me. So I told him my story.

Acceptance and being noticed. That’s all I’ve wanted. There I said it. This is why I’m feeling a little down today. If I can take off working starting tomorrow, I would. I texted Robert and he said to get to work and not think about anything else. I will try.

Almost Christmas break, I can’t wait.