Day 148: Work in progress

I got overly confident thinking that I my plans will work. Just like what I said on my Day 147 post, I’m going to start taking my medicine every other day for 1-2 weeks and my depression will magically go away and I will go on with my life. No turning back, it’ll be perfect. But I had a harsh reality check last night.

I started crying again.

I have no clue why, and this is what scared me. I thought I was fine. I thought I won’t have episodes. But I was wrong. I was talking to Robert, feeling anxious and I started crying. I felt that I am losing control. I have so much work to do but I decided to have a mental struggle instead. I got frustrated doing my taxes, got mad at the dogs for being too loud and I started shutting down when Robert wants to talk. All my will-power, gone.

Robert started talking to me about it and he said it’s OK to take the medicine again. Maybe not the full dose, but continue doing what I’ve been doing. I think I am pressuring myself to stop and be done with the medicine. Nobody else is doing that. My doctor said do it gradually but I am determined to finish taking my medicine before this month ends. I didn’t realize that it would be an unrealistic goal to have.

After my episode last night, I realized how bad I felt. Robert said that I have to be strong and be determined to feel better. My prioritizes are overlapping each other that I want an easy way out from  my current situation so I can start working on my next move. This is clearly not helping.

I have to accept my situation. There’s no need to rush, because I am the only one who will suffer. I’d rather do this the right way. As for the future plans, I won’t worry too much about it.