Day 189: Last Day

Do you believe in signs? Well, I do.

I’ve pre-cut my pills in half, not really knowing how many I need. I figured I’ll cut some and then if I need more, then I’ll cut some more. I grabbed my medicine bottle this morning, poured it out, looked for a pill that was cut in half and I found one.

This morning, I took my last ½ dose of Lexapro.

If this is not sign enough, then I don’t know. I’m pretty sure it was pure coincidence but signs make it a little more special, don’t you think?

I’ve kept track of when I took my medicine and the dosage. I wrote everything in my journal and because today is a special day, here’s the summary:

  • 140 days taking Lexapro
  • 3 weeks of taking ½ dose
  • 2 weeks of taking ½ dose every other day
  • 2 weeks of taking ½ dose twice a week

Since I was diagnosed with depression, I knew that taking medication is not a long term plan. While taking my medication, I’ve been doing other things to help me understand what I’ve been going through. From August of last year to today, I am still learning something new about myself. I still have some episodes, but I try to be mindful, which is easier said than done. I wrote a lot about this experience and started reading blogs of strong individuals who are going through the same issues that I am. It helped me understand my situation.

My main motivation to stop taking anti-depressants is our plan to have kids in the future. It would be awesome if it happens this year but I won’t worry too much about it. I will continue working on myself, so when that time comes that I become a mom, I am able to take care of our little one.

Baby steps. I am still scared of relapsing but I know that I have a good support group. I have my husband, who is very much supportive of everything that I do. I am also relearning that prayer does go a long way.

This might be the last day I’m taking my medicine, but I’m still a work in progress. Finding and knowing myself more, is a continuous endeavor. I may or may not like what I find out about myself, that’s OK. I’m pretty sure, I’ll be fine.

And to you, reading this post, know that you are loved and keep on fighting. 🙂